Friday, May 7, 2010

Am I who?

It was a Sunday evening. Breezy with a scent of sarcasm. Tuesday was the starting of my sems and it was pathetic. Not life. But the situation.
Deep down that day was a special one. Special for only one reason. I was waiting for death. Death of my pet..someone I adored and loved with all my heart. He was coughing violently. I just glanced.
I did nothing.
It was hard. Watching someone die. Five years back I watched my grandpa die in his usual reclining chair. I was with him. He was panting. Within minutes, it was over.

All over.

I did not shed a tear that day. My relatives were surprised since I was the closest to him. Physically and most importantly, mentally. He taught me to play chess, a game which gave me endless situations of grief, joy and breakthrough. He spent most of his time with me. Playing, pulling my leg, laughing and most importantly enjoying the time.

I did not glance at him twice.

I was sad. But it wasn’t coming. My whole family had tears in their eyes. I actually went to gave my “Ideas and Progress” exam that day in school. The body was at home. I was outside.Later I found out I topped in that subject in the exam. And truthfully I did not have that kind of preparation.And I never topped again.

Big boys don’t cry.

I hate this adage. Self regulatory in nature. I hate that phrase with all my heart. How dare someone just stop things which aren’t supposed to be?
It was the same thing happening again. I kept studying whilst my pet cat lay in his deathbed under my bed. Two hours down, he was dead. A scream I will never forget. I picked him up during his last moments. He mewed to me few times. He stared. Then he left.
I picked him up, drove my bike to the river and floated him away. No remorse, no expression.

Stone cold.

The next moment I was joking with a friend over the phone. A person I never met for more than a decade. Still a facebook friend. Recently a phone-friend.She actually called me up for her..well..condolences. I just passed it over. No condolences for me.

I really don’t know what I am turning into. I was never like this. A happy and jovial young man turning into something else. A guy who would pick up fights with his bestest buddies on silly insults to his family now doesn’t even care about who kicks him or not. At school I was known for that. And now here I am. Too busy….too aggressive to accept anything of such sorts, leave the solutions.

Life has changed me. No not the usual stuff like being extrovert or stuff. More blatant will be emotionless. Emotion of the weaker kind I guess. Its more aggressive now. No nonsense type. Though I still feign to be the joker in those silly networking sites. Yes friends have noticed that. But I am really turning into someone I don’t want to. Someone who doesn't care about the world. Someone who is preoccupied.

And hates loose talk.

Hypocrite. This is the same guy who jokes with some people.

He himself doenst have the answer.
Yes they have complained about my indifference. The miss the earlier Aveek. They miss those funky days, those silly fights, those oogling of girls and those light moments. They miss my innocence.

And so do I
Or do I?
I don’t know actually. Being so cold hearted, indifferent type definitely have lost me friends. But does anyone care? Most importantly do I care?
Relations are meant to be broken. And they never glue together again. They never should.
I am quite aware of the fact that people change.But its scary when its you who change.And scariest when you are conscious of the fact.
No wonder a friend tagged me with the phrase- Cold rolled steel.


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